When Friendships End

It wasn’t the pain of saying goodbye that hurt me.

It wasn’t the idea that we would no longer be friends - would never again chat on the phone about nothing at all. It wasn’t the pain - because it wasn’t truly pain at all. It was hard. It was hard to say enough is enough.

In 2013, I watched as five of my nearest and dearest relationships crumbled around me. I felt stupefied at times watching it happen, feeling as I imagine one would feel watching a car pull out in front of a train. That desire to reach out and yell STOP! delicately paired with a calm sense of what-will-be-will-be.

It took me losing several friends to see that it wasn't the friendship ending that was hurting me - it was the experience of watching an already dead relationship seek a passive aggressive revival, and knowing that I was saying no more.

Those people said to me “you are not enough” and “this is what you must do, so say I, to be enough.” And it's not that I didn't care to make those changes they so flippantly asked me to make in myself. No. Far from it! It was the realization that I would so willingly want to change everything about myself to be kept in their lives that made me Stop. Set down my phone. Look in the mirror, take a deep breath, and pull on the strength that’s always been there.

And in those moments, I realized that I had grown. That I had come to a place of love and acceptance in my own life that was so full of light, there was no longer room for pain, for manipulation, for pressure.

I had unknowingly decided, without a doubt, that I was enough. I am enough. I am worth genuine, selfless, unconditional love.


If you're going through something like this, you should remind yourself that it's okay to be mad. It's okay to be hurt. It’s okay to grieve the loss of a toxic relationship. It's okay to feel all of the feelings. But it's never okay to be made small, to be put down, to believe you are less than.

To provide ultimatums and judgements of character are the ultimate signs of weakness and ill intent. "Man up." "You will answer me." "I've held my tongue for awhile now." "Stop spending so much time with your husband. He's so temporary." Ignore those types of words, because you are enough - just as you are - independent of someone else's approval.

Look for the friends who tell you “yes you fucking can.” “You are more than capable.” “I can't believe you haven't done that already!” “Leave nothing out.” “I can't wait to hear all about this.”

What they’re really saying is “you are enough" - and these are the sort of words that come from a place of love. Those are the words we should be hearing. These are the words we should be spreading.



A Happy List

It's been a sort of lazy, full, busy week. (That doesn't even make any sense.)

There are jars of paint and a 3 year old's creations strewn across the dining room table from last Thursday, mixed with a box of trash bags that hasn't been tucked under the kitchen sink yet and an empty yogurt box from Costco I keep because maybe it's a good size for shipping Christmas gifts? That's all crowded by a plant that needs to be re-potted and broken Pyrex pieces that need to be returned to Target.

Basically, my house is a mess and I can't seem to muster up the energy to fix it. Which could have a lot to do with how much my back hurts every time I try to sit or stand.

It's not all sunshine and daisies.

But it's not so bad. 

It's also not all bad.

It's been a week where my anxiety was high, my priorities got out of whack, the things I was working really hard to accomplish didn't even need to be a part of my life anymore. Ever feel that way? Like you're so focused on getting something done, that you don't even realize it's stopped being fun? Or important to you?

Luckily for me, it's only Wednesday morning. And it's a little too early to be making sweeping generalizations about this week.

+ + And so, a happy list.

Taylor Swift (but you knew I was going to say that)

Olivia, my younger sister, who makes a damn good mug of chai (and sometimes does randomly wonderful things like bring me home allergy medicine when I'm out and forgot to buy myself some)

This white mug I'm drinking out of, that my friend Kaitlyn got me to replace my old white mug that never turned up after the move

A fridge full of groceries, waiting to be made into meals that taste good and nourish my body

Making plans for a December trip to NYC with Thomas

This striped hoodie I'm wearing

Chai tea.

Pumpkin cake.



A day with Nomi

Since Thomas and I moved into our new condo and are no longer sharing living space with my niece and nephews, it's been of top priority that we see them as frequently as possible. Because it's always the people you live the closest to that it's the easiest to cancel plans with, right? With that in mind, we've started this routine where each week Nomi (who is 3, has an incredible vocabulary, and likes to talk about his Halloween costume) comes to play at my house on Thursdays. It's a nice way for me to end my week, and it gives Mackenzie (my sister) a break from having a three year old for the day. Which, if you have any experience with that adorable age, you understand.

When I picked him up this morning he was ready to go with his packed bag, a puffy winter coat, and a pink and purple scarf. He talked my ear off about their puppy, monster trucks, his sister's Halloween costume, and when the topic switched to his mama he said "My mommy sure is one sweet girl." Charmer.

Armed with dozens of q-tips, a paint tray from the dollar store, and a bag of potato chips we lived this day up and down. We glued popsicle sticks to construction paper and watched Despicable Me to distract him from that awkward if he naps he'll never sleep tonight point in the day. Entertaining a three year old is always a little intimidating to me, but the trick seems to be going at his pace and answering the same question fifty times in a twenty minute period.

And tonight! Before I dropped him off with his mama, we spent twenty minutes "looking for treasure" aka gravel and talking in pirate voices.